Taking a gap year has let me reduce a bit of stress and breathe just a little more. But the bad habits I had in college are still here. Don’t think a gap year is going to let you escape from yourself. You won’t be distracted enough to escape.

There will always be stress, depression, anxiety. So if you think a gap year will let you run away from it… Not for long.

Some teen boy walks up to me today with his self-built gaming rig he broke during assembly and asks me, “Do you know a lot about computers?” as I am standing at a computer repair help desk.

Nope, I must just be standing here to look pretty, right?

While my male co-worker interrupts me, as this particular co-worker does every time I’m on shift with him. But he can do twice the work if he wants to also do my job, go ahead. I’m still getting paid.

I’m losing my edge a bit. Forgetful. A bit clumsy.

I thought I was just tired or something. 24 is not old enough for it to be “getting old”. So I think maybe it’s that I’ve been lacking real challenge in my life and work. It’s been 8 months since I had to do anything truly mentally and intellectually stressful. Not since I graduated.

I don’t feel as sharp.

Me: *lounges on bed seductively*

Me: Welcome to my live stream! Today I’m going to nap. *disappears in sheets*

Skype date: …

That doesn’t sound like a life to me. I’m sorry you feel you have to do that in order to survive.

Someone tried to tell me that nearly all academics drink, smoke, etc. and the ones who don’t lead really boring lives. The person who said this was kinda drunk already. But it made me sad.

Not because I don’t drink. But because so many people have such a narrow view of what makes life interesting given that alcohol or drugs are required for them. Like philosophical discussions you remember, travel, good food instead of party snacks, etc. …

I’m sad for them.

Of course I get personally recruited to apply for a government physics programming internship by the directing scientist that could involve machine learning on the subject of literally my worst physics class in college. 😫

My Apple watch activity tracking notifications making me feel bad cuz I was sick this weeeeeek. Today I was feeling 85% good but I figured I wouldn’t risk it with exercise since I haven’t been eating much. My accomplishment of the day was almost eating a full dinner when I’ve had to drink food the last few.

I was totally kicking ass the first few days of the week though!!!!!

How wholesome it is to be so happy despite 4+ months apart from across the ocean. ☺️

Today I was able to reflect on myself, my past goals, where I feel like I’ve failed with my life thus far. I grew up with a sense of entitlement and a bit of a chip on my shoulder. Nothing we haven’t heard about for those kids who grew up constantly told they were “smart” without having to work hard. The fixed mindset kids. I liked to think I outgrew that tendency, moved on. But I realize I haven’t.

I would keep setting these goals for myself. Get there halfway. Never put what I would now consider in hindsight a full effort. Yet still expecting to go further. As though making the goal itself, and especially telling people about it, already put me ahead. I was going to work hard, right? Or at least, now that I told people about it, I better. Placing myself in a social debt I couldn’t pay off.

I remember when I made the decision. My goal would be theoretical quantum physics for quantum computing. I loved saying it. It made me sound so smart. Everyone agreed, I must be so smart to even consider such a thing. And I was orienting myself toward that path. But only halfway. I was at a point where I didn’t want to be unsure anymore, so I became stubborn and left that as my goal.

But looking back… what did I do for that goal?

I took two semesters of quantum mechanics, like everyone else, only I would gush about how I enjoyed it so much. I jumped at the opportunity to visit the University of Waterloo Institute for Quantum Computing for a conference. I tried to network a bit. I applied for their undergraduate summer school for quantum information, open to the whole world and accepting 25 students, I was rejected. And, soul-crushingly enough, I met a girl who was accepted there. Then I pursued an interesting but extremely difficult capstone project that I… would constantly feel in defeat about, not helped by the fact that my mentor and inspiration to pursue physics had to leave the college when I could finally do research with him. But only because he couldn’t facilitate the project and make it easier for me.

Those are things I can list out. Some of it put on a resume. But where was the work? Where was my real focus on the goal? What did I do that was more than a cute gold star on my resume?

To me, nothing.

This is not to make myself depressed or particularly regretful about my past. But it is something I never thought I needed to confront. I was blind to it. To other people, it looked like I was doing the work. And convincing people I’m great was some work in itself, to maintain a reputation. Though I really wonder if anyone bought it. At least people like my classmates if not also my professors.

Part of my reluctance in participating in social activities is because people inevitably ask what you are doing. Especially in college, people are so curious what you are doing after you graduate. And you feel stupid to say, “I don’t know” or something unexpected based on your reputation.

Although my realization had never gone as far as I explained above, I always felt this way. Tired of keeping up with the Jones’. Or at least what they had come to expect from me. Even though it was partially my fault for creating those expectations in the first place.

And yet sometimes I find it hard not to share my goals. Things I’m looking forward to. But maybe that just allows other people to ruin them for me. Even if unintentionally on their part. Or if only because that’s how I choose to perceive it. The truth is, I am the one who made myself live with a sense of chronic defeat about not meeting these expectations that I nearly fraudulently created for myself.

The thought that I never truly felt proud of any of my accomplishments has been plaguing me for months. This is why.

I don’t think this is classic imposter syndrome of the 1st type. And while I think the 2nd type has definitely created for me its own difficulty, what I am describing to you is not imposter syndrome. It is being an imposter. Without airing all of my dirty laundry for Tumblr to see, rest assured, this is a pattern that has been pervasive in other parts of my life, as well. Not just academic or career-related pursuits.

I actually am an imposter.

But instead of having permission to realize this sooner and coming to my own senses, I was told over and over again that it wasn’t me, it was the system. My excuses evolved, I still technically had something to show for it, and I would be cheered on, even though I didn’t do anything special. Credit I didn’t deserve.

My goal was not to blame diversity initiates, and I don’t. But now that I think of it, it’s ironic how they played a role in this problem for me.

At any rate, it is not productive to keep our heads in the past, only to visit it briefly for the sake of self-improvement, preventing future mistakes. That’s what I wanted to do for myself in this post. And hopefully, some people who read this might discover for themselves similar qualities that might be holding them back.

I hesitate to call it a New Year’s resolution, but I want to stop these white lies and technicalities so I can actually work hard on something. When someone praises me on progress, I want to be able to honestly tell them, “I actually didn’t work as hard on this as you think, but I appreciate your confidence in me,” if it’s true. I want to only do my work in a way that I can feel proud of it. Or at least not wonder if I put enough effort into it.

At the root of this, I need to let myself feel special only when I actually accomplish something special.

I still struggle with what I want to do with my life. But that’s because I have always been too focused on the future, what I could be, what I assumed I’d be or hoped or. My potential. Not what I am currently doing. And this is why I’ve lived a life where I always hated and regretted my past.

I could still feel good about a failure or something mediocre so long as I actually put forth the effort. Failing after realizing you didn’t even try hurts much more.